Eric Cartman, working on a school assignment to determine what the Founding Fathers would have thought of the war with Iraq, has travelled back in time to witness their heated debate over the document he knows as "the Declaration of Independence Day":
Hancock: Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue?
Franklin: I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both?
Congressman: Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and protest going to war at the same time.
Dickinson: Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the war and some will protest it.
Franklin: And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time, act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless.
Adams: [holding a slice of chocolate cake] It's like having your cake, and eating it, too . . .
Congressman: Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.
Hancock: And we will call that country the United States of America.
Our festively plump hero shares this insight with the people of South Park, bitterly divided over the right to protest the war:
Cartman: I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. [a shot of the crowd] You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the Founding Fathers decided we should have both. It's called "having your cake and eating it too."
Randy: He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.
Skeeter: Yeah, but . . . if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President.
Gerald: And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or . . . or China.
Via the South Park Scriptorium.
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