Monday, November 7, 2005

HAD HE WRITTEN THE FLOOD V. KUHN OPINION, RICHIE ASHBURN WOULD HAVE REPLACED MOE BERG: Our friends at The Good Phight explain that the true disqualifying factor for nominee Sam Alito is the irrationality of his being a Phillies fan:
As a judge and Justice, Sam Alito must put personal emotion aside and weigh matters impassionately and neutrally. He must come to the bench without preconceived notions and let the facts of the individual case before him drive his decision.

Yet, how can someone who is a professed Phillies fan claim to have this capacity? No rational thinker should be a Phillies fan. There's just no argument one can make to support such an existence. Most losses in professional sports? Check. Heartbreaking, devastating, crushing exits from post-season races? Check. Management and ownership groups who rarely care one iota about winning? Check. Players who don't relate to the fanbase, openly criticizing it much of the time? Check.

Imagine the confirmation hearing quandry he'll be put in: "Judge Alito, can you please explain to this Committee and the American people your futile, irrational, downright absurd endeavor in committing yourself to the Phillies? How can we trust a Phillies fan to avoid making such irresponsible judgments in cases brought before the Supreme Court?" Simply, there's no answer to that question.

What we have in Phillies phans are people who are utterly disconnected from rational, unbiased thought and from reality itself. They are committed instead to emotion, personal whim, and perpetual fantasy. Sam Alito is a devotee to the Phillies and thus a devotee to these un-judgelike qualities. He is decidedly not Supreme Court Justice material, and we phans know it better than anyone else.

Up next: do Oakland A's or San Francisco Giants fans make better judges?

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