I DON'T WRESTLE -- I BEAT BITCHES UP: As some on this blog know, I love just about everything about pro football except for the cruel force of fantasy destructiveness called "L[D]T," who ruined my fantasy season last year by deciding to run straight into the line and fall down for two or three late-season games and who then ruined it this year by making the opposite decision (that's not exactly true -- I also hate Eli Manning, mostly because I think you would need to be a total moron, for both football and quality-of-life reasons, to be disappointed to have been drafted as San Diego's QB of the future). I also harbor a self-destructive love for professional baseball, specifically for a team that in the last five years has chosen an organizational philosophy best described as "antagonism to rational thought."
My third favorite professional sport, however, gets this year's ALOTT5MmyTM for Best Professional Sport Not Played in College, Whether at Intercollegiate or Club Level: the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. If you can run, jump, swim, lift, climb, pull, hang, and balance, you're a third of the way there. If you can do all of that in a swimsuit, in the mud, blindfolded, suspended 30 feet in the air, while carrying your body weight, and tied to someone you strongly dislike, only one third to go. If you can do all of that on three hours' sleep after drinking yourself silly, shaving a racing stripe down the middle of your head, hooking up with somebody half of your friends have slept with in the last six months, concealing your hernia, and avoiding gainful employment for years on end, my friend, you are a professional athlete. This is one of the most inscrutably entertaining shows on television, giving us the thrill of victory (Alton's challenge dominance; Coral's declaration that "I eat babies") and the agony of defeat (Tanya throwing Beth's clothes into the pool; Julie unsuccessfully trying to unhook Veronica's safety harness and send her plunging to her death) and the warm fuzzy feeling of utter confusion (sheltered Svetlana suddenly showing up with a full arm tattoo).
So congratulations, RW/RR Challenge. As for Ultimate Fighting Championship, Perfect 10 Model Boxing (now with breakout star, Parvati Shallow), and World's Strongest Man, it was an honor just to be nominated.
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