Tuesday, January 29, 2008

THE DOG ATE MY VOTE: I know we're not blogging every AI audition episode, but I have to ask: why is it that every year Paula has to miss some of the auditions (by the way, I missed the part where they explained why she was not there)? Is American Idol really not ten times as important as anything else in her life? Is she like "oh, I can't go to Omaha to say yes to every single person that gets through to the panel for positive rather than freak-show reasons because I have book club?"

Also: it's bad enough under any circumstances, but white people should never, never, never, nevernevernever NEVER sing "Heard it through the Grapevine." Not on AI, not in a California Raisin Board commercial, not in the shower, NEVER. People don't realize it because the song was written by Whitfield-Strong and popularized by Marvin Gaye, but it is the whitest song in the entire world. It's like the result of an experiment where a committee of Belgians was required to create a song using only a written description of "soul." It's the only Motown song that any country musician other than Cowboy Troy knows except for the ones on the McDonald's commercials. It's like a repeater of whiteness, or maybe like the musical equivalent of one of those things where you take a bunch of little pictures of white people and arrange them to make a gigantic picture of Gordon Hinckley. It is a known fact that as soon as he recorded that song, Marvin Gaye was given a lifetime supply of Dockers and a subscription to Forbes. True story: Berry Gordy first offered the song to Gordon Lightfoot, and Lightfoot's response was: "Damn. Too white."

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