Wednesday, February 29, 2012

CELEBRITY DEATH ETIQUETTE: LESSONS FROM 35 YEARS OF CELEBRITY DEATHS*:

  1. It is always appropriate to say something nice about the deceased.
  2. It is considered polite to inflate the decendent's talents beyond any rational measure.
  3. It is in poor taste to consider oneself constrained by inapplicable concepts like "objectivity" or "sanity."
  4. Criticism of the decedent is a delicate balance. It is never under any circumstances appropriate to say anything less than superlatively complimentary of a deceased celebrity, except in those instances where mild or savage criticism is appropriate or even mandatory.
  5. If any person within earshot or googleshot spent money on a product associated with the decedent before the person turned 28 or before the person went to grad school (whichever occurred first), any failure to acknowledge the absolute perfection of the celebrity decedent will be treated as a provocation warranting physical violence.
  6. Celebrity death retroactively cures pedophilia.
  7. One must always wait at least a respectful or nominal or none length of time before making a joke about a celebrity death.
  8. The phrase "too soon?" is a foolproof way of ensuring that one does not offend a person who would not otherwise have been offended. Though the following statement is not an etiquette issue, the ratio of funny-to-unfunny jokes preceding the phrase "too soon" approaches a limit of zero, and the ratio of funny-to-unfunny instances of the use of the phrase "too soon" is exactly zero.
  9. Literally everybody believes that suicide and drug addiction are sad and tragic, but it is a good idea in the event of a celebrity suicide or the death of a celebrity who struggled with drug addiction to make sure that everybody knows that you agree with this unanimous opinion by promiscuous use of the words "sad" and "tragic."
  10. If a celebrity died at the same age or in the same month, season, year, or manner as another celebrity, it is a sign of respect to point out these similarities or proximities so that people of disparate accomplishments can be reduced to their common mortality.
  11. Every celebrity's life was a testament to the divine rewards available to those who live properly, or ended in divine punishment for wickedness, but usually both, and one should take care to learn the lesson of the celebrity death, which is that one should and should not emulate the behavior of the decedent.
*Alternate title: Jesus Christ, Let It Go, You Asshole

    18 comments:

    1. D'Arcy9:18 PM

      I think I figured out by #2 that Isaac wrote this.

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    2. 12.  Any and every possible pun or play on words that can be imagined using the decdent's name or the titles of his or her most noteworthy films/books/songs/other creations should be made over and over and over and over again by smug newscasters and tabloid papers.

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    3. Chin Music11:08 PM

      Curious: does the post title refer to the length of time that there have been "celebrity deaths" (beginning with Elvis, perhaps) or the length of the author's period of observation that led to this post.  I have no idea whether this sanctification of dead celebrities is a failry recent phenomenon, though the alternative title of this post put a brief image in my head of Isaac starting this list 2000 years ago.  ("Really Matthew, you're going to jump right to 'walking on water'?).

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    4. isaac_spaceman11:45 PM

      It's the length of the author's period of observation that led to this post.  The first celebrity death I can remember -- and the first where I remember people joking about it -- was August 16, 1977. 

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    5. Recent experience suggests that number 9 should be amended to read "Literally everybody except foxnews.com commentators..."

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    6. That's an interesting question in itself (first celebrity death).  I think the first one I remember was August 2, 1979.  I'm not a sports guy at all, so I thought my friends at camp were saying that Herman Munster had died.

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    7. isaac_spaceman10:33 AM

      No politics, Throck.

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    8. Allow me to clarify that there is no intended political content to my entirely empirical observation above.  My only aim was (and is) to assist the author of this post in providing complete and accurate guidance for parties commenting on a celebrity's passing.

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    9. KCosmo's neighbor11:25 AM

      I guessed it was Isaac too, and I don't even know Isaac personally.

      I love #6; it's amazing.

      I said it a week ago...why are we celebrating the lives of people who screw their own lives up, or, in the case of #6, screw up other lives in the process? And let's really extend our sympathy to all of their enablers.

      By the way, did anyone see Modern Family last night and catch the "Hey, hey...we're the monkeys" line? That was one heck of a crazy coincidence. My daughter thought they added the line in at the last minute.

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    10. I believe #8 is in error.  The ratio of funny:unfunny instances of the use of the phrase "too soon" is mathematically undefined.

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    11. Or am I mixing up my fractions again?  I need lunch.

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    12. I'm fully on board with #6 as well. All the hoopla following Michael Jackson's death really irritated me. TYhe guy was a creep. Yes, he had some good songs, but still...creep.

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    13. Depends.  For it to be undefined, it must be never unfunny.  For it to be zero, it must be never funny.

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    14. Anonymous3:26 PM

      I've found there are five stages of celebrity grief on facebook:
      1. Notification and shock
      2. Tribute links to videos of favorite songs/scenes/bits
      3. Backlash mocking mourners
      4. Posters comparing dead celebrity to dead soldiers in the Middle East
      5. Acceptance

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    15. ritab1:35 AM

      Why hello! Since I was the one to quote back to Isaac "Jesus Christ, let it go, you asshole" (his words!, I would have never said that otherwise) in the Whitney Houston thread, I feel a bit of obligation to respond here because I thought that thread was an inappropriate place to continue that discussion.

      At the end of the day, I don't disagree with the essence of this post; what I disagreed with in the Houston thread is that I thought that Isaac was testing a hypothesis (that he has fully laid out here) there by prompting someone to say that Whitney's version of the anthem was the best; which led to an exchange, which led to me, which led to derailing a remembrance thread.  Up to that point, no one was excusing or overinflating anything, just remembering how Houston's songs had weaved into their lives and how sad they were that there would be no redemption for her.

      A death, of course, shouldn't change what happened in a life, nor what we ultimately judge a person on, but in pop culture, I guess I think there is room for a thread or some place where someone can say:  I grew up with that person's music; I remember when "Thriller" came out and wasn't that fantastic; I remember that day that Whitney sang the anthem, it was extraordinary; I remember when Marcia invited Davy Jones to the prom, blah, blah, blah (I am choosing not to take this as far back as I could).

      I think many times those thoughts are less about who has died, but a reflection of the commenter's life and where they were at a certain point that intersected with said daid person; which is why in those cases, I see no need to challenge with the specifics of the flaws of the dead person. 

      Anyway, moving on, I"m going to try to stop continually arguing with Isaac (by which I mean I seem to only comment every couple of years disagreeing with him about something).  I'm taking notes to help...should we ever meet, I have on my list not to discuss:  (i) Sandra Bullock's divorce and (ii) Whitney Houston's death (or, safer, any celebrity death)!

      Take care Isaac and all here and thanks for a great place for me to keep up with random stuff even though I don't talk all that much.

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    16. isaac_spaceman12:50 PM

      Everybody disagrees with me, so don't feel like you have to stop doing that.  I didn't like the anonymity or the personal tone in the Houston thread, and if I'm remembering right, I didn't like being called a misogynist a few years ago.  

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    17. Anonymous1:17 AM

      Actually, you aren't remembering correctly, someone in that thread called you a misogynist, not me, but you accused me of that then as well...we never agreed on the substance, but that was something that I never said.  As for personal tone, I was merely quoting your own words back to you, it was a direct quote that I flipped back to you.  As for the anonymity, I didn't realize until after you posted, I was signed in as a guest and as stated above, I didn't think that thread was the relevant place to further discuss something that was unrelated to the topic at hand. 

      Anyway, this really is neither here nor there at the end of the day.  I generally look to this site as a good pop culture resource and will continue to do so.

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    18. ritab1:19 AM

      Well, hell, now that I am paying attention, that was me above. Ha!  Officially moving on.

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